Blessings

On my way home today, I was suddenly overwhelmed by how much God has blessed me this year.  And not just with the obvious things that I too often take for granted:

• my wonderful husband
• my supportive family
• our beautiful house and puppy
• two comfortable salaries
• and an awesome church.

He's also blessed me with so many little things this year too.  Something I've been praying for a long time (as have my parents, ha) is that God would grant me

• patience and humility.  

I really feel like He's been working in me a lot this year on those two fronts especially.  I feel much more likely to ask others about their day than to talk about my own and I am quicker to complement without thought of return.  I am getting better at receiving and reflecting upon criticism, something that has always been very difficult for me.  I also am amazed at my patience some days.  There is no way my behavior is naturally coming from me- it has to be coming from above... God is siphoning my anger in real time.  He's taking a turkey baster and sucking up the lava that used to boil up and pour out my ears, eyes and nose.  I marvel every day how good of a mood I am in after what a crazy class I just had!  I know I am one year older and wiser, but credit must go to God for this super power.  I with I could explain the sensation better, I don't feel I'm doing it justice.  Simply, God has blessed me with an abundance of humility and patience this year, and it is an answer to many years of prayer.

God has always and will continue to bless me with special people.  This is because he knows me better than I know myself and knows that I need "a someone"  In high school, I had an assortment of close friends, but Aaron, my current husband, was my "someone".  In college, it was my best friend, Julia, who was inserted into my life freshman year before orchestra auditions.  She was who I needed to keep me straight and she needed me in return, which, conveniently, was something I needed.  At my first school, it was Jonathan, an older, wiser musician.  He gave me Godly advice and encouragement when I was on the verge of quitting.  At my other school, it was Shelly, a part time teacher/coach who talked to me about her faith openly.  It made me feel so relieved and free to talk to someone about Jesus!  This year, my "someone" is Kristina, a lunch friend.  She is someone I can laugh and joke with.  We can talk about school, but we don't have to.  She introduced me to her friends, who are now my friends, and now I actually have friends.  I am especially grateful for this "someone" because at this point in my life, I very well could have gone on with out a "someone" at work.  As opposed to last year, my job is not overwhelming me and I would have been able to do it and go home and still had Aaron and my pooch.  But having friends makes me so much happier, and that is something God did not have to bless me with.  The fact that he cares about my happiness makes my heart overflow.

I just can't adequately express the abundance of ways I am blessed.  I could go on and on with all the little things, especially if I wanted to keep to a school theme (great facilities, talented coworkers, good students, etc...) but I won't, because I'm hungry, and I'd like to eat dinner.  But I will be thanking the Lord for more than my food tonight, and every other night for that matter.

Peaks and Valleys

This week has been full of peaks and valleys when it comes to school.  I'll start with the valleys because, well, I've always been a "bad-news-first" kinda gal.

Valley #1: On Monday, someone stole a big bag of Jolly Ranchers from my desk.  It was naive of me to leave them out, unlocked, but I didn't want to lock them up in my office because it makes randomly throwing a piece of hard candy at a kid's head so much harder when I have to trot to my office, unlock my drawer, trot back to my podium, then throw the candy.  The kid usually sees it coming.  I feel like surprise congratulatory candy is much more rewarding.  Or maybe it's just more fun to watch the kid's face as the candy is flying toward him and he has to decide, "do I drop my instrument and catch this candy or do I somehow catch it with my bow?  Or do I let it just hit my face like a total dweeb?"  I usually root for the latter...  Anyway, the theft happened some time during one of my 7th grade classes, so my 7th graders will no longer be getting pelted in the face by hard candy because one of them stole the entire $15 for himself, ruining it for everyone else.

Valley #2: I suck at teaching 8th grade.  It's true- I'm not looking for a sympathetic complement like, "oh, you are such a good teacher, they are lucky to have you!"  I find teaching 8th grade very challenging especially when the 8th graders are not your own kids, raised by you in 7th grade.  Both my 8th grade classes went really poorly last time and I left school feeling very frustrated.  They talk too much, they don't treat me or each other with respect, and they stink at playing their instruments.  We aren't at the level that we can make music, and that makes me frustrated. (*Disclaimer- this Valley turns into a Peak- keep reading!)

Valley #3: A seam in my black pants ripped.  (Commence walking tuba line for fat person...)  I do not want to fix it, I hate sewing.  I will probably continue to just wear a black tank top over the seam every time I wear these pants...

Valley #4: Quote from one of my homeroom students (not an orchestra kid) as she plodded into class "Here we go: worst part of the day.  It's like a prison in here..." Well, good morning to you too!  (To be fair, it is kind of like a prison in there...)

Now to the Peaks!

Peak #1: Today I had my best rehearsal yet with my 7th graders!  I may have set an "I mean business" tone when I started the class by telling them they're all a bunch of lying thieves (in so many words...), but regardless, the class went super well!  They were playing open strings with the bow like a bunch of champs!  They entered the room and started doing what they were supposed to do immediately.  I only had 3 or 4 stupid questions, as opposed to the usually 10-12.  They followed instructions, stayed on task, and were genuinely engaged in learning and getting better.  I love these days!

Peak #2: Because I suck at teaching 8th grade, I am learning and becoming a better teacher every day.  I decided that the reason I am frustrated with the 8th graders is because I'm treating them too much like high schoolers.  As soon as they accomplish the task or skill that I had planned, I move on to the next thing that needs fixed, instead of celebrating their accomplishment and letting them enjoy it.  I need to set smaller, achievable goals then dwell on them even after they accomplish them.  For example, my latest rant has been accidentals.  They struggled with F sharp and F natural and when to play each.  When the kids finally were able to recognize and identify when and how they should play accidentals, my reaction was "Phew, finally!  Ok, now let's put this into context!"  While I wish to eventually have them playing accidentals naturally (no pun intended) and apply them to their music, I've decided I need to give them more time to fully understand the concept and not harp (hehe, I don't even try!) on other things after they get it.  I am excited for next class now that I have this outlook...

Peak #3: The choir teacher complemented me today and it really made me feel good.  She said "I bragged about you to (the band teacher) the other day when I came into your class about that one boy who was on my schedule by accident.  You had those kids so quiet and respectful- I was blown away!" (Obviously my 7th grade, not my 8th grade...)  I told her thank you and that her comment meant a lot to me.  I don't like that I so desperately desire validation, but the fact is her complement made me feel better than a week of perfectly executed lesson plans ever would.

Peak #4: I judged chair tests at the high school and it was a lot of fun.  I felt very powerful (*evil laugh, muahahaha).  But it was also very interesting for me to be on the other side of things.  I always sat 1st chair in high school, so chair tests there weren't that big of a deal.  But I auditioned loads of times at All State Orchestra and college and summer camps, and I was always so nervous and wondered what the judges thought of me and how I compared to everyone else.  I hope the kids I listened to don't hate me because of my decisions though- that's always a fear.  I was pretty confident about what I heard and I think my scores lined up with what the high school director usually gave, so I imagine the kids won't be too surprised.  

Sometimes I feel like I might be bipolar- one minute I will want to rage at some poor little 12 year old:  "how could you possibly think that was a good idea?!?!" and the next I will feel like dancing like a dork to the stupid background music on the Essential Elements CD.  Before I see a specialist though, I'll dwell on the Peaks and try to work through the Valleys.

The Game

If all I had to do was teach kids how to play string instruments and put on a few concerts each school year, I would consider myself to have one of the easiest jobs in the world.  I love teaching, I really do.  What I don't love are all the things they don't teach you in college.  Like the fact that education is not just teaching. It is a highly strategic Game in which The Rules are always changing.

The latest drama at work has been the passing of a new contract.  Being a relatively new teacher, this new contract doesn't really bother me.  At my old school, I never got a raise just for being there another year and I was evaluated by administrators all the time.  Sure, it was a little nerve-wracking when you were being observed, but I considered it part of the job.  I had just graduated college, during which I was evaluated on my teaching all the time.  Teachers who are in their 10th, 20th, 30th year of teaching simply balked at the idea of being given a grade on their performance.  Then on top of the evaluation aspect, we found out our pay raises were going to be based on obtaining a certain number of "units".  We can earn units by:

- Receiving a rating of "highly effective" on our evaluation (which is hard to do in all categories, especially if your particular administrator doesn't know you or like you)

- Serving community service hours within the school district (I think 15 hours = 1 unit)

- Having your Master's degree (gotta spend money to make money...?)

- Taking advantage of leadership opportunities (running a workshop, speaking at a conference, etc...)

- A few other ways that I don't remember.

In the end, the soonest anyone could possibly get a raise would be every 3 years, and that is only if he/she did everything right.  Again, I feel like this is still relatively fair.  The school district in which I teach is the highest paying district in the state, so my initial salary, without my orchestra stipends, is still more than most teachers would make after 6 years of teaching.  And it is certainly way more than I made at my other school.

The fact that earning units eventually gives  me a raise does not bother me very much.  I am fortunate enough to have a husband whose salary is much higher than mine, so our livelihood is pretty secure at this point.  I don't think I'm bad enough to get fired, and if I made exactly what I make right now for the rest of my life, we would still be OK.  What irks me is the fairness in all of this.  I don't understand why I can't just show up and do my job.  (Probably because too many teachers have abused the system and "showed up and did their job" poorly)

Let's look at Rule #1 in The Game: Receiving a "highly effective" rating on my evaluation.  Do I think this is impossible?  Yes.  Because I am not a highly effective teacher?  No, not necessarily.  I have the evaluation sheet and I know exactly on what I am being evaluated.  I know who is evaluating me (our principal) and when she is coming.  So why is it impossible for me to get a "highly effective"?  I think back to Driver's Ed when I was given a B+ because "I don't give A's to students so young"; I can't imagine my principal, who barely knows me, doesn't know anything about orchestra or how to teach music or a performing ensemble, doesn't give a crap that I have a conducting minor (what is conducting?) will give me a rating of "highly effective" even if I do everything right.  It's just not going to happen.

Rule #2 in The Game: Serving community service hours within the school district. My after school hours are spent mostly with music students and at colleagues concerts, fulfilling my duties as an orchestra teacher, which I am given a stipend for.  So I can't really count these hours as community service.  I signed up to sell tickets for 3 sporting events this year.  That will count for 6 hours at the most.  Where are the other 11 going to come from?  I'm sure I could find something to do for 11 more hours to fill this criteria, but for Heaven's sake, don't we work hard enough?  Aren't I giving back enough by working my hardest every day in the classroom?  Nope, evidently not.

Rule #3 in The Game:  Having your Master's degree.  My friends who finished their Masters' recently said it was going to take them 7 years to pay it off.  That is with a salary of 10 + years experience (I am at 0 years).  And with the new contract, you are no longer allowed to make a parallel move on the pay scale.  (Bachelor's 7 yrs experience to Master's 7 yrs experience)  Now you have to go from Bachelor's 7 yrs experience to Master's 0 years experience, which is hardly a raise at all!  And money aside, when do I have the time to take online classes while I'm working to earn a "highly effective" and serving community service hours?

Rule #4 in The Game: Taking advantage of leadership opportunities.  I am 25 years old.  Who is going to come to a conference and listen to a 25 year old talk about education?  I actually had a good idea about starting a club for teachers at my school, but I'm really afraid to bring it up because I'm brand new at the school.  There are rules to be followed when it comes to taking leadership roles as a young person.  These rules get in the way of the Rules of The Game.

On top of all these Rules, there are millions of other tiny rules to follow.  There are people you don't mess with, there are people you can only ask certain questions, there are people you have to make feel important or else they will squash you, there are people who you can't talk to unless you first talk to other people.  Teachers, administrators, department heads, secretaries, custodians: they all play a certain position and I have to learn how to navigate around them while still following The Rules of The Game.

All I have to worry about is my own Game: helping kids learn to love music by playing an instrument.  As long as they allow me to keep doing this, I can try to let The Rules go.

The Lunch Room

When I was a kid, I thought of teachers as authority figures who assigned me work to do.  I never thought they lived at school or anything; I knew they had a home and a family.  But I didn't really think about them being friends and eating lunch together and talking about me and my classmates to each other.  I wasn't aware that Mr. Zeck could tell Mrs. Johnson that I copped an attitude when he told me I was going to lose points on my homework for not cutting off the fluffy sides of my notebook paper before turning it in. I'm not sure if I would have acted any differently to certain teachers in order to win favor with others, but I may not have appreciated my attitude being a topic of discussion among them.

As a teacher, I'm not a saint or anything- I do talk about students to other teachers.  I try not to say negative things and I try to stay away from the gossipy topics like "Tommy's mom is a crack addict and I heard he's living in a shelter with his two younger siblings" (although, sadly, this is a reality with some of my students).  What I really wish is that we teachers could carry on a conversation without having to talk about our students.  It is sad how much of the lunchroom conversation is centered around our students.  Shouldn't we savor these precious few minutes during which we are not responsible for children?

In addition to the lack of non-school-related lunchroom conversation, I've also found that teachers are very clique-y.  The first school I taught at was very small and all the staff knew each other and went out for drinks after school together.  Even though we developed a really close bond, we were always open and welcoming to new teachers.  We'd all been there- it's hard to make friends, even, or maybe especially, as an adult!  This year, at my new school, the teachers are divided into teams.  I'm not a part of a team because I'm an elective teacher, and all the other elective teachers eat at their desks so as not to lose precious prep time.  But being the self-professed outgoing, social butterfly I am, I decided to eat lunch in the staff room so I could meet new people.  My first two days were really depressing.  The teachers I ate with were not welcoming and didn't involve me in conversation.  They even went as far as to turn their backs to me so I was physically cut-off from the rest of the table!  My third day I ate in my room because I couldn't take it another day.  I tried a different lunch shift the next day and it went much better.  This team was much more welcoming and willing to include an outsider in their lunch conversation, which included much less student/school chat.  I was so relieved!  I learned 3 new names and enjoyed the loud chatter and laughter that surrounded, and included, me.

What this lunch room experience has taught me:

1. Teachers are not as friendly as they seem
2. Teachers struggle to be social, so they latch on to the only common ground they think they have- their students
3. Don't give up trying to make friends- some teachers are nicer than others

First Day of School

I've never considered myself a blogger-type.  I can't even upkeep a journal.  But I must document this incredible journey I am on. (Damn it, ended a sentence with a preposition already- I'll never be a writer, oh well...)

I was reading over my student teaching journal (no, not an emotionally-driven diary created from my need to express my thoughts, but an assignment for school) and it brought back so many memories about my time there.  I was truly glad that I was forced to document it, because I know I wouldn't have recalled much of what I wrote without the help of "Journal Entry #1, #2, #3, etc...)  So, I figure many years from now, or maybe just three years from now, because that is how long it has been since I wrote "Journal Entry #7", I will appreciate the fact that I am documenting my experiences.

I have to shout out to my sister, who has been writing a very successful blog for about a year now.  I know I'll never write as elegantly and she does, nor will I be able to express myself within a theme.  But hey, I went to school for music, not writing, so give me a freakin' break, ok?  Oh, no one cares? Never-mind.  I mean, but hey, this is just for me, right?

Today I got to experience what a 38-member 7th grade beginning orchestra class was like.  If you haven't had that chance, you really should avoid it.  I've taught elementary general music (barf) and high school choir, orchestra, and jazz band (meh, yay, and barf) and now I have landed my "dream job" at a high-paying, inner city middle school where I get my own room, a small but do-able budget, and a team of intelligent music colleagues with which to work (see how I avoided the preposition-ending there?).  Unfortunately, I'm moving from the high school level down to the middle school level and I need to come to terms with the fact that my kids are acne-covered, hormonally-charged adolescents who need their hand held through every minor life decision.

"can i take my jacket off?" yes
"my tuner isn't working" it's not turned on
"i left my shoulder sponge in my locker" ok, not a question
"should i get my instrument?" read the board
"i don't have a pencil" again, not a question

It is my goal to turn these energy-sucking, teet-suckling monsters into functioning mini-adults as quickly as possible.  Because, isn't that what education is all about?  But seriously, self-sufficiency is too low a priority in school nowadays. I'll sign off with this musing (or "music-ing" if you will... heh heh, sorry can't help it, it's in my blood...): Instead of holding a child's hand when they're scared or helping them up when they fall, what if we just watched and waited to see what they did?  Would they really spiral into drugs, depression, and failure in life?  Or would they dust themselves off, move on, and be able to answer the question "i don't have a pencil" ?